Friday, July 13, 2007

Veering from catatonia to simple tiredness
welcome to my life...

This week was official collapse week.
Amazingly I can even pinpoint a day and a time. Yesterday. 6:30pm.
At that point I was completely and totally incapable of even basic human functioning.
I could have collapsed where I stood, but instead went upstairs and had a 3 hour lie down. Not a sleep, just a lie down. I couldn't sleep because my body and mind were just going apeshit at me for daring to stop.

My body was deciding it didn't like the perpetual motion machine that is my life being turned off and decided that it was going to make my heart race like I was out running instead of relaxing.

Then my brain decided it would run over every fucking little bastard thing I had on my to-do list, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

for three hours.

However I am now officially better. For now.
In fact I was officially better at midnight last night after my brain finally seemed to come back online.
I made the decision there and then that there was absolutely no point trying to fight my body clock, and I stayed up till 3am writing and doing work for school.

Recently my sleep patterns have been getting worse, but this is itself is nothing new. I'm naturally a night person. All my best work is done at night. Indeed, at University most of my work was done after 11 at night. My brain just doesn't seem to want to work well in the afternoon or evening. Ironically, if I'm actually up in the morning, I can get loads done then as well, just not between 2pm and 10pm it seems.
So recently, the hour of finally dragging myself to bed has been slipping backwards, from 1am, to 2am and now it's around half 2 or even 3am. This would all be fine if I was still a student. But I still have to get up with Molly in the morning and get her to school and me to school as well. Consequently my body clock is simply fucked. I finish work, rush to pick Molly up, get home, hold it together for a few hours and then start to go into a coma about 6pm, barely functioning until the brain kicks back into gear about now-ish (1o to 11 as I write these words).

Added to that is a seasonal or termly cycle where I get more and more tired as the term goes on. The lack of sleep catches up with me and Louise says she can always tell when I'm due for time off.
Only this time it's much, much worse. I think the fact that the current job is actually one that I love, want to do and want to do extremely well has a major part to play.
I've been bringing work home, finishing off stuff and generally getting more involved as the year goes on.
So instead of just about making it to the end of term and then getting a holiday to recover, I've hit catatonia a week early, which is why last night saw my brain and body just completely fail on me.

I'm resigned to the fact that I may as well just roll with it for the next week until the end of term, but in the holidays and the new term I really have to take some steps to retrain the body-clock.

Until then, it's business as usual. See you at 3am.

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