Sunday, April 06, 2008

State of the me, Easter 2008 - part 3


I seem completely incapable of doing this relaxing lark.
I don't seem to be able to relax at all, and I think it's getting worse. I function best when I seem to have a to-do list as long as my arm. It gives me a sense of purpose and a goal. But I have noticed that when I am successful and manage to reduce the to-do list to something manageable, to a point where I can actually see the end of everything I need to do, I start to stall, start to slow down.
This means I'm deliberately sabotaging my life, deliberately preventing myself from taking time to actually relax. It's a very disturbing realisation to be honest. Does this really mean that I subconsciously don't want to have any relaxing time?

Then there's my completely screwed up metabolism. Without any external influence at all, I truly believe I'd wake up sometime around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, laze around for a while, have breakfast around 6pm and then slowly begin to come round until the 10 or 11pm mark, which is when I start work and go through to 4am.
And this is pretty much exactly how I got through a whole chunk of university , particularly around exam time. I'd deliberately alter my sleep patterns to fit around the best time for revision and work. It worked.

But of course, I can't do that all the time.
Life always seems to get in the way. beautiful, wonderful life.

So I adapt and compromise. This results in my waking up badly when I need to, being a bit crap in a morning, then crashing around 6pm, only to wake up mentally around 11pm, get creative and mentally raring to go until I force myself to go to bed sometime in the early morning, 1am, 2am, 3am.
Then I repeat over and over.
Until the weekend where I know I can have a lie-in and my body crashes out.

But this is the one thing I have real control over. I can't overnight fix my anxieties over the house or the job, but I can force myself to go to sleep at a regular time and I can attempt to relax more and relax better.
I live in hope.

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