Easter Holiday 2010: Butlins Finale....

One thing we did do this holiday, that we always meant to do in previous years was a Mikey photo guide.

There are two main time frames in Bruton mansions - pre and post Mikey. Pre-Mikey all of the photographs of Molly that contain a cuddly toy have different ones, the flavour of the moment toys. And Post-Mikey everything changed. Mikey is Molly's favourite (even though we're not allowed to say it in front of the others).

Here's Mikey........

Easter Holiday 2010 - Brutons Do Butlins Pt 5

HOLIDAY DAY 5 - BUTLINS DAY 4 - THURSDAY

The last full Butlins day. And we made it a full one. Started off on the Aerial Ropes course, which although Molly didn't know it, was a test to see if Molly was going to be up to the courses she's going to do later in the year with Guides and then school at two trips to outward bound centres. The ropes course was great. Molly was brilliant at it. Froze just once, really early on, but got herself together and did it not just once, but twice. Very proud.

Then funfair again. We managed to gain a huge bloody stuffed frog that we're trying to convince Molly to leave at Butlins but that we fear will be coming home with us. (It did and it's currently sat in Molly's room - big and horrible).

The night-time was meant to be me going off writing again. But it didn't work out that way..... I was persuaded to go along with Louise, Molly and friends to the last night Butlins Reflex night. Starting out with a kids disco, then on with an 80s tribute band, although not really what I'd think of if someone said 80s tribute band. Like we agreed at the time - more an anything after 1987 that counts as soft rock and the two female pub singer belters at the front could bellow out. So we get Heart, T'Pau, Bonnie Tyler, Journey, Europe and more. The only thing that kept me there, the only thing that made it okay and not something to stick pencils in the ear and push was a great game of "crap 80s songs that could be in the set". That game kept us going for ages, so much so that we made a list and even started enjoying the music, or more accurately just the first 30 seconds of each song, just for the fun of seeing it crossed off the list.

After that, more drinking, more dancing from Molly (with her favourite Redcoat in the world - Curtis) and a complete lack of me doing any writing as I was having far too much fun. Hell, I even rather enjoyed the Bootleg Blondie set at the end.

All part of the Butlin's experience. And all part of the great fun I had there.

Easter Holiday 2010 - Brutons Do Butlins pt 4

HOLIDAY DAY 4 - BUTLINS DAY 3 - WEDS

Oh, what happened on day 3 of Butlins. I'm writing this one a day late and my mind has gone almost blank. Doesn't help that I'm sat in the late bar with a DJ pumping Alexandra Burke at bass thumping, deafening volume that goes right through the furniture and the body. But even that hasn't spoilt the evening

I seem to recall a day spent having fun, swimming was involved. And a funfair at some point. It all started off with family fencing, where Molly took great delight in beating me before we went on to try to beat other families. She did okay, I did okay - although there's something disconcerting about being told you have to try and beat a 9 year old child who you haven't met before. Didn't stop me though.

And since it was Wednesday night and the main night of the holiday, it was the big draw in the centre stage venue - stars of X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. What Butlin's did before these god awful talent shows I have no idea. But a plan was hatched amongst those planning on going to see them, including (heaven help me) my darling wife and child, that involved queueing in shifts. Stupidly I didn't really believe we'd need to do that until we walked past the start of a queue for a 7pm show at 4:30. How sad do you have to be to start queueing for some talent show failures over 2 hours before the doors to the venue opened? Very, very sad according to the sorry state of humankind I saw sat in the queue.

But an hour later and we were part of that self same queue, a queue that would eventually stretched to several hundred people, right round the corner and out of the bloody doors. I joined in as well, even to the point of going in at the time in case wife and child needed help shifting tables to get just the right spot. Then I had the fun of trying to get out of the bloody place, fighting my way through an oncoming stream of human detritus, the salmon against the stream, desperate to escape the horrors. I escaped and Molly and Louise had a wonderful night. It ended up being Stavros Flatley and Jamie (Afro) Archer. Stavros Flatley are a 3 minute act milking it for anything they can get and even Molly was to admit they were crap later on. But Jamie Archer they both absolutely loved. Oh dear.

Later on I ventured forth to the late bar, only to find my usual place was shut and the late bar that night was Jaks. Off I toddled, expecting to at least be able to find a table to pitch up at for an hour or so to write from. No such luck. I walk into Jaks and immediately realise it's meat-market nightclub nightspot time at Butlins. In, G&T at the bar and out all in less than 10 minutes. So no writing at all yesterday. But STILL a great day.

Easter Holiday 2010 - Brutons Do Butlins pt 3

HOLIDAY DAY 3 - BUTLINS DAY 2 - TUESDAY

First full day and it's really becoming rather great. This is just plain weird. Expected to hate it, now finding it rather lovely. Today consisted of a good breakfast (I could have had the works many times over, but kept it to just continental and toast with lashings of coffee - and even the coffee isn't all that bad), followed by sorting out sport for the day for Molly. We convinced her to try, despite her protests, the fencing. And within a few minutes of getting the gear on and picking up the foil she was, as we thought she would be, absolutely hooked.

So much so that she's already signed us both up for family fencing tomorrow just so she can hit me with pointy sword thing. And she does hit hard.

Then into the pavillion, stuff with friends and kids, lunch, swimming (meant to be an hour or so, but turned into 2 plus since Molly and I were having so much fun), tea.

And then it all went a little wrong. I should have remained strong, shouldn't have let the guilt get to me, should have carried on the deal same as it was last night with me doing the day stuff and Louise doing the night stuff, but Molly convinced me to stay for the entertainment for the evening. Oh, that was a mistake.

For a start the main events hall looks like the working men's club it was probably originally designed from. And the smell..... imagine a room, with no ventilation apart from bad air con, no exits except one small set of double doors and years of sweating kids and adults. It was everywhere, just seeping into the nostrils from the carpet. Not nice, not nice at all. And then the entertainment started. Mist - a magic and illusion double act who didn't quite make it to the live finals of Britain's Got Talent two years back. Yes, exactly. But Piers Morgan described them as one of the best magic acts he'd seen so far on the show - so that's alright then. Because Piers Morgan's critical opinion is just the sort I'd trust.

They were every bit as awful as you'd expect. Over half an hour, maybe three quarters they ran through a terrible set of overly staged crap magic. Awful, awful stuff. And there's me, sat right next to Molly, who's loving it, having to play along. Not the best couple of hours of my life. Tomorrow night it's the big X-Factor / Britain's Got Talent night at Butlins. The queueing will start for 7pm doors about 5pm. We're taking it in shifts, since it's the thing he kids all want to see, but my involvement starts and ends with keeping a place in the queue - I'm kissing wife and child goodbye and retreating to the quiet(ish) hotel bar.

One strange thing I realised about Butlins today - for a place with so many really fat folks there's an awful lot of walking going on - I guess they load up on all that free food at breakfast and teatime? I'm loving it. On my feet all day and night, walking through the main pavilion countless times each day, outside walking around the attractions just as much. Walk, walk, walk. It's lovely. Hopefully the car will start when we go back to it on Friday afternoon.

Easter Holiday 2010 - Brutons Do Butlins pt 2

DAY 2 - OXFORD TO BUTLINS and BUTLINS DAY 1

Quickly up and out, down to Butlins before midday. And what a culture shock. One day the beauty of Oxford's culture, the next a gated community on the south coast.

(The very first pics from Butlins - carefully composed shots to imply the prison-like qualities of the place - subsequently proven unfounded))

Initial impressions: NOISE, oh the noise, difficult to get into, far harder to get out. But I was ready for it, determined to make the very best of it, determined to enjoy it on my own terms, determined to make it a fab holiday for Molly.

And, looking back as I write this in the Hotshots bar at midnight (the only place you can get a drink after 11 right now), I've had a great day.

Strange situations are all around; for a start there's no access to the accommodation until 4, which means everyone mills around looking for things to do. Luckily we'd had warning of this and had packed the swimming gear for easy access. Off we went to the pool, kids in tow, Molly not able to wipe the huge smile she'd developed as we got nearer and nearer to Butlins. The swimming just made it more-so. Well, I say swimming, but you can't really swim more than 10 feet before getting to some water feature or running out of depth to swim in. But the flumes, waves, slides and inflatable chutes more than made up for it. A cracking start.

Then dinner. I was expecting some kind of McDonalds meets school dinners type thing, and maybe if we were in the normal dining it might have been. Except we'd somehow managed to get the premier dining restaurant on a basic package. No idea how, but thank goodness we did, because the food really aint that bad. In fact it's all rather good - nothing spectacular perhaps and if I wanted to I could be the size of a whale by week end. Which would still wouldn't put me in the heaviest category here (I believe that's whale+).

That reminds me; the one thing I'm kicking myself for is not thinking of this one until it's too late - BUTLIN'S BINGO. (Similar to the great idea of convention bingo practised by various comic folks throughout 2009). I did get to spend most of the afternoon inventing categories for it though:
Fat people so large they can't move for more than 50 yards without stopping. Bonus points for seeing them eat, even more for seeing them carrying extra sized crap food.
Parents screaming at their children
Parents yanking their children away from amusements. Bonus points for every time you see this afternoon 11pm.
Drunk parents - extra points for every hour before 8pm
I could go on. In my head I did.

But despite the cynicism I was having a ball. It helped that Louise and I have a great kid who was having a wonderful time. She's of an age where we just basically feed her money and get involved when she wants us to. Which makes Butlins just a case of being around and saying yes or no a lot really. Added to that our friends kids are great and Molly adores being the big sister even if it is just temporary.

And the division of labour parenting wise in the Bruton houshold works a treat - this is why tomorrow morning I'm off to swimming with Molly and then to see what sports she wants to do - all of which I'll be going along to. And it's why Louise was the one who headed off to see Anna Muntana tonight at some crappy pavillion place or other.

Oh, yes, Anna Muntana, the Hannah Montana tribute act. I imagine it was as hideous as it sounds. But I wouldn't know, because I was in the Butlin's hotel bar, where I enjoyed the quiet surroundings and wrote (and drank) for an hour or so before heading down to the beach. Although I did have to navigate my way out of Butlins first - not the easiest of jobs. They don't make it easy - one small exit way off the beaten track. And god only knows what I'd do if I needed to leave after midnight when they close that gate.

Meanwhile Molly was having a great time, evidenced by both the ridiculous grim that wouldn't come off her face and the impossibility of getting her to sleep before 11 tonight. Thus bollixing up my plans to go back to the hotel bar and explaining why I'm in the late night bar inside the Pavillion complex writing this. Loud, bright, flashy lights, bar staff that wont stop dancing and a bunch of surly 20 somethings around who obviously think someone reading and writing stuff down is just weird. And I suppose it is. But I have spent me time, I have written good words, I have sat down today and watched some of the strangest sights I've seen in so long. And best of all, my daughter went to bed (and eventually to sleep) incredibly happy that we'd brought her to this most wonderful of places.

Easter Holiday 2010 - Brutons Do Butlins!

DAY 1 - POCKLINGTON TO OXFORD

Up way too early for a holiday day, a blast down to Oxford for our overnight stop-over before heading down to our holiday destination.

We are spending 5 days in Butlins, Bognor Regis. Almost more of a hijack than a holiday. Our friends and their children have always talked about us all going on holiday together and last year, midway through a Butlins holiday, Louise got a phone call telling her that if we booked up now we could get a big discount. Yes, why not, says Louise. (She would like me to point out here that she definitely did ask me at the time!)

So the deed was done and we're off to Butlins. Hardly my idea of a holiday destination, more my idea of minimum security hell, where the heat is replaced by rain and cold of an English Easter and the demons and hellspawn replaced by Burberry wearing, lager-swilling delights whose children run riot through the complex from morning till way too late at night.

Yes, I know Molly will love it, and some of the activities look great; high ropes course, rock-climbing, massive pool and leisure park, fencing, archery etc etc. But I'm dreading the people we have to do these things with, all overseen by ever smiling redcoated drama students determined to get everyone as involved as possible. "Fuck Off, I'm Reading" may become a catch-phrase.

Anyway, day one. Off we go, car laden, we pitched up in Oxford around midday, dropped the stuff off at the hotel and headed to the glittering spires of academia. Thankfully, given it was Easter Sunday, it was mercifully free of Oxford students to annoy me with their private school demenour and Oxford-student-ness.

We had a good look round and lucked into a visit to New College. Did you know it has a 14th C Cloister that was the location for the bit in Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire where Moody (well, Barty Crouch Jr, but you know what I mean) turned Malfoy into a ferret? Neither did we. Although after the ticket attendant told us, Molly was desperate to go in. Who would have thought walking round a courtyard could be such fun - or take over an hour?

And then it was back to the hotel, early night for all. Although my early night and the girl's early night does differ by a good 4 hours or so. In the morning we're off to Butlins. Oh dear.